Itch In My Brain

Annual cost of being a Star Wars nerd: $500

Cost of two fluorescent tubes and gasoline: $30

Filling the tubes with gasoline, lighting them, and holding a “lightsaber” duel that lands you in the burn unit: PRICELESS.

I guess the Force wasn’t with them.

Wow. Tom Cruise implodes on Oprah. Is this guy on crystal meth? Or is he demonstrating his next big role as a monkey escaped from a meth test lab?

Fark has a great article urging people to write Star Wars haiku. My favorites:

Anything for dough
Meesa love you long time
Hear the franchise die

Standing in the line
Geeks surround me, left and right
Oh, God, I am one

Three cheers for Bill! He says it well:

The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it.  The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month.  More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. “We’ve done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit.”  And now we need warm bodies.  We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs…warm bodies.

… Now, I know you’re thinking, `But Bill, I already do my part with the “Support Our Troops” magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe.  How much more can one man give?’  Well, here’s an intriguing economic indicator.  It’s been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work.  Why don’t they sign up?  Do they hate America or just freedom in general?

And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war.  You’ve got to go first. … Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army.  You think you make up shit…  But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears.  Because Britney once said, “We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens.”  Okay, somebody has to die for that.  Or at least go.  …  And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline’s face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie.

Some hilarious video and audio clips for everyone:

First, an audio clip of the 2000 election night phone call between George Bush and Al Gore.

Next up is a cartoon re-enactment of Bill O’Reilly’s infamous phone sex conversations. Be sure to click the “Change Metaphor’ button repeatedly throughout the animation for some real laughs.

Could it be possible that technology is dumbing-down the next generation instead of enriching their lives?

I ask only because I find it striking that today’s so-called “techie” youth can program their cute little cellphones to cook their morning Freedom French Toast for them, but these same people:

• Can’t pick a secure email password if their life depended on it;
• Never met a virus-infested mail attachment that they didn’t like;
• Can’t describe a computer problem even in layman’s terms without sounding like Mad Libs.  In other words, about as coherent as Keith Richards & Ozzy Osbourne after a three-week booze-n-smack bender.

Bush on Iraq: “I meant to do that!”

Awesome retrospective on this trash classic here.

Ah yes… Cubans, Chinese, Russians and other assorted Commie bastards will destroy us… but Chuck Norris is here to stop them! Woohoo. I feel safer already. Ironically, Norris prevents more terrorist attacks and wipes out more of their masterminds in 90 minutes than Bush has managed in 6 years. Life sadly doesn’t always imitate art.

Now here’s one of those movies that will never get much airplay post 9-11. In one scene, the terrorists are in America plotting their big strike against the government… one of them blithely remarks:

America has not been invaded by a foreign enemy in nearly 200 years. Look at them, Nikko. Soft. Spineless decadence. They don’t even understand the nature of their own freedom or how we can use it against them. They are their own worst enemy, and they don’t know it.

This was made all the way back in 1985, mind you. The people who made this flick should have been put in charge of Homeland Security, dammit.

“New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.” –Bill Maher

I’m not one for making fun of disabled people, but it’s Rosie O’Donnell we’re talking about here. Apparently she starred in some new awful Hallmark made-for-TV movie in which she plays a developmentally disabled woman. Kind of like an insane, loud cross between PeeWee Herman and Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.

The kind folks at TVgasm have created a “greatest hits” Quicktime clip from the show. It will change your life. I know it changed mine.