Get Your Hootch On

June 29, 2005

Want to slap down $2 of your hard earned money on some tasty libations, but just can’t decide which one?

Have no fear! Bumwine has in-depth reviews of all your favorites: Mad Dog 20/20, Night Train, T-bird and much more. Here’s a sample of the fine criticism you’d expect from a bum wine snob:

Anyways, if your taste buds are shot, and you need to get trashed with a quickness, then “T-bird” is the drink for you.  Or, if you like to smell your hand after pumping gas, look no further than Thunderbird.  As you drink on, the bird soars higher while you sink lower.  The undisputed leader of the five in foulness of flavor, we highly discourage driking this ghastly mixture of unknown chemicals unless you really are a bum.  A convenience store clerk in Show Low, AZ once told me that only the oldest of stumbling indian drunks from the reservation buy Thunderbird.  Avaliable in 750 mL and a devastating 50 oz jug.

Conan O’Brien’s “Walker” clips

June 26, 2005

Thanks ImageShack!

Some background: NBC owns Conan’s show, and also owns USA Network. USA owns… yep, Chuck Norris’s Walker: Texas Ranger! What better idea than for Conan to show dozens of video clips from Walker?

I’ve never seen the show (Norris’s, that is)… but I have a hard time believing these clips are any less funny in their proper context.

Check out all five clips!

Land of the Dead: my review

June 24, 2005

Thanks ImageShack!

In 1968, a young director named George Romero set out with a cast of Pittsburgh unknowns to make a low-budget horror film. Borrowing liberally from Richard Matheson’s classic novella “I am Legend”, he crafted a simple story of a disparate group cornered in a farmhouse by an ever-growing army of re-animated corpses hungry for warm flesh. The result, Night of the Living Dead, broke all the established conventions: an African-American hero, a bleak ending, zero romantic interests, sly social commentary, and unflinching scenes of human cannibalism.

Night was a smash hit, encouraging Romero to extend his tale into a fullblown trilogy. Dawn of the Dead upped the ante in 1979 with Technicolor, shopping mall, and a running time of 2 1/2 hours. 1985’s Day of the Dead chronicled the final collapse of civilized society as the undead… showing small glimmers of intellect… claimed their crown as the dominant species.

Romero has often lamented that the scope of Day fell far short of his intended vision, and the recent surge of zombie movies has given him a second chance to realize it in Land of the Dead. The establishing scene is of Romero’s America finally reduced to a barren wasteland.  The ghost towns are scoured by a salvage team led by Riley (Simon Baker) with his assistants Cholo (John Leguizamo) and Charlie (Robert Joy). Their assignment is to loot vital supplies for Fiddler’s Green, a walled city under the grip of Kaufman (Dennis Hopper), its Donald Trump-ish ruler. Riley’s looters navigate the countryside using an ingeniously-designed vehicle called “Dead Reckoning,” best described as a Greyhound-sized Sherman tank.

As with any Dead film, there’s signs of tensions amongst the survivors at the outset. Revolution is brewing between the ghetto commoners and the monied class inhabiting the luxurious skyscraper at the city’s center. The idealistic Riley dreams of life beyond the false security of Fiddler’s Green, while Cholo schemes to bribe his way into the stratified society established by Kaufman. When Cholo’s efforts are brutally rebuffed, he hijacks Dead Reckoning, threatening to level Fiddler’s Green unless Kaufman pays him a hefty ransom. Meanwhile, the zombie hordes milling outside the city walls are evolving into an angry mob as intelligent as they are ravenous. Clearly, it’s only a matter of time until dinner is served… and eventually it is, in appropriately gruesome detail.

Any zombie film is only as enjoyable as its special effects, and Romero’s dead have never looked better (or worse, depending on your point of view). Using a combination of old-fashioned latex, CGI, and animatronics, Greg Nicotero’s makeup crew have created perhaps the most repulsive legion of undead imaginable. Regardless, Romero’s sympathies still tend toward his monsters, whose external ugliness and bad table manners pale in comparison to the display put on by his immoral human characters.

For this fourth venture, Romero has assembled a fine cast of genre professionals, all of whom acquit themselves nicely. Hopper is remarkably restrained as the Machiavellian head honcho; there’s clearly a flicker of George Bush in his beady eyes, and his droll quips (”We don’t negotiate with terrorists!”) inspires much of Land’s  humor. Asia Argento (daughter of Italian horror maestro Dario) showcases as a kick-ass prostitute who allies herself with the protagonists. Finally, there’s a thoughtful “Mice-and-Men” kinship developed between Baker and Joy (as Riley’s handicapped but unflinchingly loyal sidekick)

Land is weak in a few areas, and this is mainly due to the rushed shooting schedule. If society has collapsed, how can American currency hold any value amongst these characters? Fiddler’s Green is seemingly run by electricity… indeed, a high-voltage fence keeps the flesheaters out… but how is this electricity generated in the first place? Without a doubt, Romero has created a fascinating alternate universe, but the fleeting glimpses we’re offered raise far more questions than answers. It would have been nice to see it examined more closely.

Despite such loose ends, Land of the Dead is one of the more engaging horror films to come down the pike in recent years, and makes a fine bookend to Romero’s original trilogy. Sandwiched inbetween all the gunplay and gore is a barrage of  bitchslaps at class warfare, post-9/11 anxiety, and corporate malfeasance. Surprisingly, room is made at the end for yet another sequel , and perhaps Land deserves one. At the risk of bad pun, Romero has proven that his Dead franchise still has plenty of life left in it.

How Long Stuff Lasts

June 20, 2005

Here’s a handy guide to how long food products are considered safe for consumption. For those of us who tend to “forget” whats in their cupboards, this page is a godsend!

First LOTD review: positive!

June 19, 2005

A positive review from Variety Magazine:


George A. Romero shows ‘em how it’s done in “Land of the Dead,” resurrecting his legendary franchise with top-flight visuals, terrific genre smarts and tantalizing layers of implication. Nerve-shredding fourth installment may not fully reclaim the visceral or satirical impact of the writer-director’s 1978 masterpiece “Dawn of the Dead,” but it’s still a satisfyingly splattery feast of guts and ideas. Though Universal isn’t flogging it half as aggressively as last year’s “Dawn” remake, pic should grope its way to killer B.O. with no small help from Romero cultists, whose devotion will be nothing short of zombielike.

The horror maestro has come a long way since the third film in the cycle, 1985’s “Day of the Dead,” and an even longer way since his seminal 1968 classic “Night of the Living Dead.” This time around, Romero is playing with bigger stars and a higher (though still modest) budget of about $15 million, as well as a new shooting location (Toronto, instead of his native Pittsburgh).

That said, “Land” is a tour de force of not only independent filmmaking but independent thinking, rigorously worked out on all craft and technical levels yet enlivened by its twisted engagement with the real world.

Romero’s apocalyptic vision of an earth beset by endlessly self-perpetuating flesh-eaters remains as relevant and resonant as ever, and this time he’s even injected some not-so-subtle political invective into the proceedings. At one point Kaufman, a corrupt, gray-haired city official, declares, “We don’t negotiate with terrorists,” making this the second actioner in recent months, after “Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith,” to lob a grenade in the direction of the White House.

The city in question is one of humankind’s last remaining holdouts, an island metropolis surrounded by water and electric fences that keep out the walking undead. Perched in a high tower that dominates the skyline, Kaufman (Dennis Hopper, his brow furrowed with self-entitlement) owns everything and everyone in the exclusive community of Fiddler’s Green, advertised as the place “where life goes on,” and where upper-class citizens are admitted only via waiting list. Those still outside on the streets, meanwhile, are in the early stages of revolution.

Cholo, one of several soldiers sent out on rescue missions to bring back food and supplies, sets things in motion when Kaufman refuses to let him move into Fiddler’s Green. The disgruntled mercenary (a hot-headed John Leguizamo) promptly hijacks Dead Reckoning, an armored military vehicle that holds enough firepower to bomb out the city, which he threatens to do unless Kaufman meets his demands.

In response, Kaufman commissions Cholo’s superior Riley (Simon Baker) to recover the stolen tank, accompanied by sharpshooter sidekick Charlie (Robert Joy) and gold-hearted hooker Slack (Asia Argento, putting a tough-talking spin on a familiar role).

Tension between Riley and Cholo, effectively fleshed out by Baker and especially Leguizamo, reps only one of the story’s intriguing contrasts. Both guys want out of a nightmare situation, but where Riley hopes to start over away from civilization, social-climbing Cholo wants to retreat inside, into the ranks of the city’s elite.

Romero clearly has a lot on his mind, working through issues of class, segregation, individualism and personal responsibility. As always, the scenario eerily and amusingly mirrors the times: Astute viewers will laugh at how the undead phenomenon has already become commercial fodder in the form of theme-park-style attractions and bloodsports. More chillingly, the gleaming facade of Fiddler’s Green implies an entire nation struggling and failing to lead normal lives in a war zone, turning against itself in the process.

Most suggestive of all are the zombies themselves, who have become frighteningly resourceful and smart, having learned to communicate as well as use tools and weapons. Unlike the trendy, fast-moving denizens of the recent “Dawn” redux and “28 Days Later,” Romero’s walkers still shamble along slowly, yet with an increasingly purposeful gait that makes them seem all the more human. They also look more realistically undead than ever, thanks to pic’s ace makeup team (led by Greg Nicotero) and special contact lenses that lend their eyes a bluish, otherworldly glaze.

Pic’s ideas about continual evolution and advancement extend equally to the carnage, which for most auds will be “Land’s” ultimate test. And Romero rises to the occasion with a mastery, discipline and gleeful sense of invention that shows just how far a slim budget can go given the right sensibility. Fans of the trademark spewing, sausage-like intestines will be quite appeased; few will be prepared for the semi-decapitated zombie (emphasis on semi) or the ugly disadvantages of having a pierced navel (you’ve been warned).

Romero has a way of at once honoring and updating modern horror-pic conventions, relying more here on shock cuts (with super-sharp editing by Michael Doherty) and surprise zombie ambushes than the queasy claustrophobia that pervaded “Night” and “Dawn.” The upshot, happily, is a similarly blissful sense of unease.

Miroslaw Baszak’s nuanced lensing, finding endless varieties in a predominantly gray palette, accentuates Arvinder Grewal’s chilly production design at every turn. Reinhold Heil and Johnny Klimek’s score is serviceably grim, with repeated patterns that evoke the restless walk of the damned.

George Romero tribute now online

June 17, 2005

The official Land of the Dead site now has a neat retrospective/tribute to George A. Romero online. Includes interviews with directors Clive Barker, Guillermo Del Toro, John Landis and several fun clips of Dennis Hopper rambling incoherently. There’s even a few interesting on-set moments. Oh, and did I mention Asia Argento? (yum)

For those who don’t get why people would gush over this movie… you first have to possess a certain admiration for intelligent horror films which use subversive political/social subtext. That, and admire Romero for consistently giving Hollywood the finger by making his hits independent of the system. Fans have been waiting two decades for this final installment in his “living dead” saga… and the advance buzz has been overwhelmingly strong. If that makes me a DeadHead… so be it.

Again, this is the summer movie to see, if you have a strong enough stomach.

Jeb seeks new Schiavo probe

Gov. Jeb Bush asked a prosecutor Friday to investigate why Terri Schiavo collapsed 15 years ago, calling into question how long it took her husband to call 911 after he found her.
In a letter faxed to Pinellas-Pasco County State Attorney Bernie McCabe, Bush said Michael Schiavo testified in a 1992 medical malpractice trial that he found his wife collapsed at 5 a.m., and he said in a 2003 television interview that he found her about 4:30 a.m. He called 911 at 5:40 a.m.
“Between 40 and 70 minutes elapsed before the call was made, and I am aware of no explanation for the delay,” Bush wrote. “In light of this new information, I urge you to take a fresh look at this case without any preconceptions as to the outcome.

Okay… so we have an autopsy in which hard science puts to rest all foul play and rehab blather… to which the critics complained that uncertainty [at the time] should have led people to keep her alive, it’s too late to dig deeper now that she’s dead, etc…

So… why is Bush bringing this up now? It’s not new information at all, it was available to any lawyer… and certainly the Schindler attorney knew of it while Terri was still alive. Why are we asking the question and demanding a probe now? Why did Bush suddenly stop twiddling his thumbs, as he did almost immediately after the tube was pulled?

Sorry, this reeks of saving ass for the pro-life vote in future elections.

Mandate, Schmandate

June 16, 2005

In a CBS News/New York Times poll out Thursday, more than half the public disapproves of the job he’s doing. And it gets worse from there:

  • Only 39 percent approve of his handling of the economy.
  • Only 39 percent approve of his handling of foreign policy.
  • Only 37 percent approve of his handling of the war in Iraq.
  • Only 25 percent approve of his handling of Social Security.
  • Only the campaign against terrorism gets the approval of more than half those questioned.

  • Folks, get ready for a huge Strawberry Red Terra Alert. He needs one.

    Michael Schiavo vindicated

    June 15, 2005

    As with the Jacko fiasco, another overblown, media-driven bag of hot air mercifully fizzles out, as the autopsy results re: Terri Schiavo are made public. The results are not at all surprising. Science 1, Hysterical Right Wingers 0.

    Will loudmouth jerks like Sean Hannity –  who gleefully trotted out anyone who’d claim that Michael Schiavo was continually attempting to assassinate his wife –  publicly apologize to him on national television? Ha. Right.

    Equally unsurprising was the White House reaction. Bush hasn’t changed his position, essentially:

    “So what? My brain is half normal size too, and I function just fine!”

    Yes: The Gates of Delirium

    Stand and fight we do consider
    Reminded of an inner pact between us
    That’s seen as we go
    And ride there
    In motion
    To fields in debts of honor
    Defending

    Stand the marchers soaring talons,
    Peaceful lives will not deliver freedom,
    Fighting we know,
    Destroy oppression
    The point to reaction
    As leaders look to you
    Attacking

    Choose and renounce throwing chains to the floor.
    Kill or be killing faster sins correct the flow.
    Casting giant shadows off vast penetrating force
    To alter via the war that seen
    As friction spans the spirits wrath ascending to redeem.

    Wars that shout in screams of anguish,
    Power spent passion bespoils our soul receiver,
    Surely we know.
    In glory
    We rise to offer,
    Create our freedom,
    A word we utter,
    A word.

    Words cause our banner, victorious our day.
    Will silence be promised as violence display?
    The curse increased we fight the pow’r
    And live by it by day.
    Our gods awake in thunderous roars,
    And guide the leaders hand in paths of glory to the cause.

    Listen, should we fight forever
    Knowing as we do know fear destroys?
    Listen, should we leave our children?
    Listen, our lives stare in silence;
    Help us now.

    Listen, your friends have been broken,
    They tell us of your poison; now we know.
    Kill them, give them as they give us.
    Slay them, burn their children’s laughter
    On to hell.

    The fist will run, grasp metal to gun.
    The spirit sings in crashing tones,
    We gain the battle drum.
    Our cries will shrill, the air will moan and crash into the dawn.
    The pen won’t stay the demon’s wings,
    The hour approaches pounding out the Devil’s sermon.

    Soon, oh soon the light,
    Pass within and soothe this endless night
    And wait here for you,
    Our reason to be here.

    Soon, oh soon the time,
    All we move to gain will reach and calm;
    Our heart is open,
    Our reason to be here.

    Long ago, set into rhyme.
    Soon, oh soon the light,
    Ours to shape for all time,
    Ours the right;
    The sun will lead us,
    Our reason to be here.

    Soon, oh soon the light,
    Ours to shape for all time,
    Ours the right;
    The sun will lead us,
    Our reason to be here

    Terence McKenna’s Timewave Theory

    June 14, 2005

    I was out doing my usual random Google sweep and discovered a slew of pages devoted to Terence McKenna, a bizarre counter-culture guru who passed away several years ago. Working under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms, McKenna developed an end-times theory based on the I Ching (a divination tool which I’ve held interest in for a long time).

    Basically, the idea is that humanity will eventually run out of new things to create and explore, and once that moment is reached, the world as we know it will end. In essence, it’s sort of an inverse version of Teilhard de Chardin’s Omega Point hypothesis. Rather than a gradual expansion of mutual consciousness, humanity will wildly implode.

    Are we already beginning to see this slowly play out, as we reach the outer limits of technology? Read McKenna’s own (very wordy) explanation of the theory for yourself.

    Khannnnnn!

    Thanks ImageShack!

    Triump strikes again

    June 13, 2005

    During my daily visit to milkandcookies.com, what should I see?

    Triumph the Insult Comic Dog harrassing the Michael Jackson supporters outside the courthouse.

    Funniest. Triumph. EVER.

    Check it out. Keep liquids away from your keyboard.

    Jacko Backo

    Now that the Michael Jackson trial is once again at our throats, it might be a good time to pause and reflect on how the jury cut through the mustard so quickly on this matter.

    No doubt they were all provided with this helpful guide: A brief HIStory of Michael Jackson’s face.

    Is MJ another OJ?

    Thanks ImageShack!

    Brief thoughts on today’s verdict. I do mean brief, too. I really could care less about Michael Jackson. I’ve always despised pop music in general, and I’m probably among the few in the world who won’t tap his feet to “Thriller”, even.

    1. Did MJ pull an OJ? In my humble opinion, yes. There are definite similarities. Colorful witnesses? Check. Incompetent prosecutor? Check. Charismatic defense attorney? Check. Celebrity factor? Fuckin’ A. Differences? Precious few. Unlike Lance Ito, the judge in the Jacko trial was balanced and sane, able to keep control of a media circus with relatively few stupid concessions. Unlike the Simpson jury, the ones involved in Jacko’s trial seemed to all have functioning brain stems, plus full ranges of chromosomes.

    2. Related to #1, the funniest thing I’ve noticed in the post-trial analysis is the utter lack of race-baiting. OJ’s supporters pounded on the false notion that he was the poor black victim of a high-tech lynching. Even Jesse Jackson, God bless him, hasn’t made this claim about Michael. And honestly, who could make the argument with a straight face? Michael Jackson has the same complexion as Marshmallow Fluff. Like OJ, he hasn’t contributed to the black community in years. You want a genuine champion of Afro-American causes? Jim Brown, baby.

    3. I know what you’re all thinking. How can I be so non-chalant about Jacko getting off scot-free, if I do believe him to be a pedophile? I suppose I’m jaded. No one gets outraged when the Catholic Church lets men of the cloth diddle little boys. Heck, the ringleaders get promoted by the Pope to posh seats in Roman basilicas. That said, why should anyone be so upset about a noseless, washed-up pop star who lets monkeys dust his furniture?

    4. I’m glad this is over. MJ can go return to his Peter Pan porn shack, and the country can get on with issues that matter. Kudos to the liberals who have resisted the urge to hammer Bush on the Downing Street Minutes last week. The mainstream media would have moonwalked right over it into oblivion.

    Liberal Media Laughfest

    Um… yeahhhhh… right. Democratic Underground’s analysis of Neil Cavuto’s “fair and balanced” interview with Chimpy McFlightsuit:

    Last week Our Great Leader was interviewed by Neil Cavuto, right there on Fox News. Now we can directly compare a Fox News reporter’s questioning of George Bush with a Fox News reporter’s questioning of Howard Dean. Let’s go to the transcript to see what kind of pugnacious journalism Neil Cavuto has in store for us:

    NEIL CAVUTO, HOST: Mr. President, welcome to FOX. It’s great to have you.

    GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Thank you, Neil.

    CAVUTO: We were thinking of you, Mr. President, we knew you had won the election and now we have heard that you had better grades than your opponent too in college.

    Hmm. Well, I suppose this is the start of the interview. Perhaps Cavuto needs some time to warm up.

    CAVUTO: What did you think with the release of those transcripts?

    BUSH: I didn’t think much about it. You know, I’ve always tried to lower expectations, and I feel like if people say, well, you know, maybe, you know, I don’t think you handle the tough job, and when you do, it impresses people even more. But my view is the campaign is over.

    CAVUTO: Yes. He was billed as the intellectual, though, and you had better grades in college.

    Right… well, perhaps Cavuto will move onto something more substantial. Let’s see… what about the economy?

    CAVUTO: Let me ask you about the economy, sir. Almost any objective read tells you that we’re still doing very, very well. Productivity is very high. Had a strong GDP report. Retail sales are very, very strong. The unemployment rate, at 5.1 percent, used to be considered full employment when Hubert Humphrey was alive. Do you think you get a bum rap in the media on the economy?

    Whoa - what the hell is THAT? Is that supposed to be a question? Uh, let’s see, what else do we have here…

    CAVUTO: Well, do you think wealthier folks like you, when you retire, and maybe TV anchors too, should not get Social Security, or should have their benefits pared?

    BUSH: No, I think you ought to get Social Security, because you paid into the system. But I don’t think your benefits ought to rise faster than the rate of inflation. And I do think poorer citizens ought to have their benefits rise at the rate of wages, which would enable us to say two things. One, no one should retire in poverty. In other words, if you worked all your life in a tough job and you contributed to the Social Security system, when you retire, you ought not to retire into poverty. And secondly, such a plan, called progressive indexing, will go a long way towards solving the Social Security problem permanently.

    CAVUTO: You know, a lot of economists agree with that, Mr. President.

    Jesus. Okay, one more - perhaps there’s a tough question in here somewhere:

    CAVUTO: I know this is a little outlandish, Mr. President…

    BUSH: No, that’s all right, Neil.

    CAVUTO: Do you think that the focus on Michael Jackson has hurt you?

    Okay, that’s it. I’m done. Please excuse me for a moment while I attempt to beat my own brains out with my keyboard.

    Happy Tree Friends

    June 12, 2005

    Happy Tree Friends. It’s like Itchy & Scratchy, only 10x more twisted. This page has all the toons plus the extra smoochies and kringles.

    Achewood

    June 11, 2005

    Achewood is the greatest internet comic known to man, second only to This Modern World.

    Click here for a good reason why.

    Drugs are bad

    Here’s a Quicktime clip of Crispin Glover guesting on Letterman, circa 1987. Rumor has it that he was tripping on LSD during the appearance, but others claim he was testing out a character for an upcoming movie.

    Personally I think Glover is weird enough to begin with, but he’s obviously more spaced-out than usual here.

    Death of a salesman

    June 10, 2005

    More fun with the Advertising Slogan Generator:

    A Sausage Works Wonders.
    Ribbed For Her Beaver.
    It’s Not All Pork, Pork, Pork, you know. Making Meth Taste Better.
    Designed for Jacko, Engineered to Last.

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