Itch In My Brain

During my daily visit to milkandcookies.com, what should I see?

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog harrassing the Michael Jackson supporters outside the courthouse.

Funniest. Triumph. EVER.

Check it out. Keep liquids away from your keyboard.

Now that the Michael Jackson trial is once again at our throats, it might be a good time to pause and reflect on how the jury cut through the mustard so quickly on this matter.

No doubt they were all provided with this helpful guide: A brief HIStory of Michael Jackson’s face.

Brief thoughts on today’s verdict. I do mean brief, too. I really could care less about Michael Jackson. I’ve always despised pop music in general, and I’m probably among the few in the world who won’t tap his feet to “Thriller”, even.

1. Did MJ pull an OJ? In my humble opinion, yes. There are definite similarities. Colorful witnesses? Check. Incompetent prosecutor? Check. Charismatic defense attorney? Check. Celebrity factor? Fuckin’ A. Differences? Precious few. Unlike Lance Ito, the judge in the Jacko trial was balanced and sane, able to keep control of a media circus with relatively few stupid concessions. Unlike the Simpson jury, the ones involved in Jacko’s trial seemed to all have functioning brain stems, plus full ranges of chromosomes.

2. Related to #1, the funniest thing I’ve noticed in the post-trial analysis is the utter lack of race-baiting. OJ’s supporters pounded on the false notion that he was the poor black victim of a high-tech lynching. Even Jesse Jackson, God bless him, hasn’t made this claim about Michael. And honestly, who could make the argument with a straight face? Michael Jackson has the same complexion as Marshmallow Fluff. Like OJ, he hasn’t contributed to the black community in years. You want a genuine champion of Afro-American causes? Jim Brown, baby.

3. I know what you’re all thinking. How can I be so non-chalant about Jacko getting off scot-free, if I do believe him to be a pedophile? I suppose I’m jaded. No one gets outraged when the Catholic Church lets men of the cloth diddle little boys. Heck, the ringleaders get promoted by the Pope to posh seats in Roman basilicas. That said, why should anyone be so upset about a noseless, washed-up pop star who lets monkeys dust his furniture?

4. I’m glad this is over. MJ can go return to his Peter Pan porn shack, and the country can get on with issues that matter. Kudos to the liberals who have resisted the urge to hammer Bush on the Downing Street Minutes last week. The mainstream media would have moonwalked right over it into oblivion.

Um… yeahhhhh… right. Democratic Underground’s analysis of Neil Cavuto’s “fair and balanced” interview with Chimpy McFlightsuit:

Last week Our Great Leader was interviewed by Neil Cavuto, right there on Fox News. Now we can directly compare a Fox News reporter’s questioning of George Bush with a Fox News reporter’s questioning of Howard Dean. Let’s go to the transcript to see what kind of pugnacious journalism Neil Cavuto has in store for us:

NEIL CAVUTO, HOST: Mr. President, welcome to FOX. It’s great to have you.

GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Thank you, Neil.

CAVUTO: We were thinking of you, Mr. President, we knew you had won the election and now we have heard that you had better grades than your opponent too in college.

Hmm. Well, I suppose this is the start of the interview. Perhaps Cavuto needs some time to warm up.

CAVUTO: What did you think with the release of those transcripts?

BUSH: I didn’t think much about it. You know, I’ve always tried to lower expectations, and I feel like if people say, well, you know, maybe, you know, I don’t think you handle the tough job, and when you do, it impresses people even more. But my view is the campaign is over.

CAVUTO: Yes. He was billed as the intellectual, though, and you had better grades in college.

Right… well, perhaps Cavuto will move onto something more substantial. Let’s see… what about the economy?

CAVUTO: Let me ask you about the economy, sir. Almost any objective read tells you that we’re still doing very, very well. Productivity is very high. Had a strong GDP report. Retail sales are very, very strong. The unemployment rate, at 5.1 percent, used to be considered full employment when Hubert Humphrey was alive. Do you think you get a bum rap in the media on the economy?

Whoa - what the hell is THAT? Is that supposed to be a question? Uh, let’s see, what else do we have here…

CAVUTO: Well, do you think wealthier folks like you, when you retire, and maybe TV anchors too, should not get Social Security, or should have their benefits pared?

BUSH: No, I think you ought to get Social Security, because you paid into the system. But I don’t think your benefits ought to rise faster than the rate of inflation. And I do think poorer citizens ought to have their benefits rise at the rate of wages, which would enable us to say two things. One, no one should retire in poverty. In other words, if you worked all your life in a tough job and you contributed to the Social Security system, when you retire, you ought not to retire into poverty. And secondly, such a plan, called progressive indexing, will go a long way towards solving the Social Security problem permanently.

CAVUTO: You know, a lot of economists agree with that, Mr. President.

Jesus. Okay, one more - perhaps there’s a tough question in here somewhere:

CAVUTO: I know this is a little outlandish, Mr. President…

BUSH: No, that’s all right, Neil.

CAVUTO: Do you think that the focus on Michael Jackson has hurt you?

Okay, that’s it. I’m done. Please excuse me for a moment while I attempt to beat my own brains out with my keyboard.